Before the event, before He Who Shall Not Be Named, the Linux community lived in unruly harmony with the other unicies. And while SysV was the defacto standard, everyone who had two brain cells immediately swapped that shit out for something more daemontools-like. And the SysAdmins would play, play because they worried not; for their supervisor programs were doing their handiwork and the systems ran smoothly. Truly, the land was happy, far and wide.
Then the Dark One appeared, and first claimed, “I will take the Blight of Jobs, known as mDNS, and make it run on Linux.” And he cast a great pox upon the community, but most did not notice, because most of us weren’t gay cocksuckers. And this irked him, so he cast another blight, “I will fix your audio”. And using the pox, he built upon it and filled many a distribution with his sludge. And the users did gnash their teeth for a few years as the pox-sludge was incomplete and annoying. And before the users could turn on him, he snuck out like a thief in the night, claiming that it was not his handiwork.
Now the dark one was really pissed, for the pox-sludge did not do its purpose. So he found employ in that vile place, the House of Red Fedoras, a place filled with gnomes that only cared for bilking money from unsuspecting business people. And he did come upon a plan, so devious in nature and grand in scope, that the gnomes of Red Fedoras did endorse it, seeing that it would lead to many lucrative and unnecessary service contracts. And he brought forth his third and final curse, systemd, which was meant to “replace icky SysV” but in reality, it was forged from a shard of the Dark One’s corrupt soul, and its code would bind all others in darkness as they succumbed to its temptations. And one after another, projects agreed to bend their knee before it, and darkness descended upon the land.